After spending a full day walking around Dublin, I was exhausted as I boarded my plane back to London. I was expecting, and rather hoping for a relaxing, uneventful flight home, but of course, that would just be too easy.
From the moment the Ryanair plane took off til the moment it landed in London an hour later, I felt like I was suddenly thrust into a very strange SNL/QVC skit. The flight attendant on the plane, who spoke with a very heavy Eastern European accent, proceeded to try to sell everything under the sun on that little plane.
It started off with the usual stuff—snack food. A cart rolled down the center aisle of the plane with the typical sodas, chips, and even candy bars. It was more than the flight across the Atlantic had offered, but really not all that odd. Not yet anyways.
Then came the wine and expensive liquor. On this tiny plane, the flight attendant started making a hard sales pitch to get people to buy all sorts of expensive drinks on board. I was kinda shocked by this considering the fact it was such a short flight, and such a cheap flight. Yet they were selling all this expensive liquor. But that was still only the beginning.
The next items up for sale—expensive beauty products. A cart full of Dior colognes and perfumes and the like, expensive lotions and creams…I’m pretty sure I saw some makeup products too. This was pretty strange. And pretty stinking hilarious. I could only imagine what the next item up for sale would be.
I soon found out.
Smokeless cigarettes. The Eastern European flight attendant really made a hard sale on this item. As the stereotypical skinny blonde stewardess walked down the center aisle modeling the smokeless cigarettes like one of the Price is Right girls, the flight attendant gave his pitch.
“Since this is a no smoking flight, why don’t you buy some of our smokeless cigarettes. Just like the real thing except no smoke. You can smoke them on planes, in hospitals, around babies because there’s no smoke. Only nicotine. It’s like an inhaler for only €6!”
When he compared smokeless cigarettes to an inhaler, I just about lost it. It was a good thing the pilot had turned on the fasten seatbelt sign or else I would have fallen out of my chair laughing. I was laughing so hard at all the things this guy was selling on this short flight. I had never seen anything like it before. It was literally like being on QVC in an airplane some 30,000 feet in the air.
But the selling didn’t stop there. No. Next came the Scratch-offs. Because what good is expensive wines, perfumes, and the smokeless cigarettes without a good game of scratch-offs. For just another €6 you could buy four scratch-off tickets..and get a fifth one free! And like the guy so brilliantly put it, “You may win, you may not. But if you do, we split profits 50/50. And the money goes to charity. So it’s a good cause.”
I didn’t quite follow his logic on this one. But it was still extremely funny. My friends and I were nearly rolling on the floor laughing at all the bizarre sales pitches we were hearing on this plane. So many items rolled down the center aisle of that plane during that short flight. I was almost sad when I felt the plane touchdown on the tarmac because I couldn’t even imagine what more would have been up for sale had it been a longer flight. I was beginning to wonder if there were live chickens and cows stored somewhere on the aircraft to be sold had we been flying further on to Paris.
Guess I’ll have to fly with them again to find out.
Til next time,
Cheers Y’all.
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